


Trying to Forget

by tobeconspicuous



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: A happy-ish ending, Amnesia, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Memory Loss, Rafael makes a choice he regrets, Rita is a good friend, mentions of Sonny/Others
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-23
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2019-02-18 17:55:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13105488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tobeconspicuous/pseuds/tobeconspicuous
Summary: With nothing tying him to Manhattan, Rafael had eagerly accepted the promotion. Keeping himself busy had distracted him from thinking about what ifs, that was until he saw Sonny, until he had heard his voice and the memories came flooding back.





	Trying to Forget

**Author's Note:**

> I went back and forth re posting this for ages and have decided to bite the bullet and do so anyway as part of the clearing out of WIP's. The majority of this was written pre-Aria so she is not mentioned.
> 
> Just like all Amnesia AU's this is utter nonsense. Special thanks to BarbaxBenson for their wonderful support for acting as a beta for this fic, also to AHumanFemale for helping me with the reasons why Sonny would be okay not having children.
> 
> I do not own, only enjoy, and I hope you do as well. Feedback is very much appreciated.

The air was surprisingly chilly for a late spring evening, Rafael and Rita rushed into the restaurant, cool air spilling in behind them. They were quickly seated at their table, menus deposited in front of them. They chatted amicably while waiting for their server when a couple’s laughter drew Rafael’s attention.

The woman was taller than average, with blonde ringlets pinned back high upon her head. She was dressed in a soft blue dress which hugged her waist then fell softly below her knees. Her face was adorned with a wide smile and the sound of her laughter rang out across the restaurant. 

However it was the man seated opposite her, his laughter matching hers in its joy that had captured Rafael’s attention. Dirty blond hair, blue eyes, dimples, a face Rafael knew far too well. A face he had seen laugh, cry, a face he had watched sleep, a face he had kissed endless times. Seeing Sonny Carisi happy with someone other than himself was what he had wanted, a clean break for a doomed relationship. That didn’t mean seeing the detective happy with someone other than him didn’t hurt.

“Oh, Rafael,” Rita scoffed.

He cocked his head to the side and scoffed at her. “Yes?”

“This may not have happened if you had-”

Rafael cut her off. “It’s really none of your business.”

His oldest friend cocked her brow at him before shaking her head. Surprisingly she changed the topic and started to talk about his mother’s latest project, another topic of conversation that annoyed Rafael to no end but he was still grateful to his friend. As Rafael continued to converse with Rita his own mind betrayed him, thinking back to that fateful night six months prior.

 

—

 

_ Six months earlier... _

 

The waiting room was packed with uniformed police, people there to support their fellow officers. Rafael barrelled into the waiting room his face flushed and lined with stress. Olivia met him at the door, the serious expression on her face was doing nothing to soothe the prosecutor.

Rafael looked at his friend with large pleading eyes. “Liv-”

“He’s woken up,” Liv sounded tentative, her face not changing from its initial concerned expression.

“Can I see him?” His tone was strained.

“Only immediate family is allowed at the moment,” Olivia said sadly. “But Rafael, there’s something you need to know.”

“What is it?” His interest was piqued.

Olivia winced before proceeding. “When the perp tackled Carisi he repeatedly slammed his head into the pavement, he’s sustained multiple injuries-”

Rafael felt numb. Olivia’s voice washed over him but he couldn’t understand what she was saying. All he could picture was a phantom force driving Sonny’s head into the pavement again and again. 

Olivia finished unaware of the fact Rafael hadn’t heard a single word. “-he doesn’t remember.” 

That caught his attention. “Doesn’t remember what?”

“Starting at SVU, the squad, any of us.” Rafael could see how painful this conversation was for his friend.

Rafael stopped and turned to look at his friend, disbelief apparent on his face. “Things like that don’t happen, people don’t just lose years of time-”

“The doctors are perplexed,” Olivia’s tone was careful. He began to sway as panic gripped him, Olivia grabbed his arm to steady him. “Rafael.”

He yanked himself away. “I need to-”

“Just stop, breathe,” she waited for him to calm down before proceeding. 

Rafael thought back to their argument, how they wanted different things, how they were heading towards a break up. Was there any point reintroducing him as a boyfriend? A partner? A lover? “Maybe this is for the best.”

“Rafael-”

He ignored his friend’s worried stare. “We were at an impasse anyway, at least this way it’s a clean break, no one gets hurt.”

Rafael turned and left the hospital, ignoring the pain in his heart as he walked further away from the man he loved. He called Bella and attempted to explain to her, after that failed he called Sonny’s parents and attempted the same thing. Eventually he was able to convince Tessa and Dom that it was for the best and organized to drop Sonny’s keys over to them.

The next day he cleared out his apartment of almost all traces of the detective. He then headed to Sonny’s apartment and did the same. A whole week was spent unpacking boxes and returning Sonny’s things to their rightful place. A single item remained, an old Fordham Law sweater was lying on his bed. Rafael took the sweater and stuffed it in a drawer at the back of his closet. And if he happened to pull it out and wear it when he needed to feel the detective’s presence no one was any the wiser.

 

—

 

Laughter.

The sound of pure joy pulled Rafael from his thoughts. He turned his attention back to his meal, to his friend. Rita gave him a single look before changing the subject to something mundane. Rafael’s mouth twitched into a grateful smile before it quickly vanished. 

Rafael continued to banter with his friend as he ignored the persistent niggling in the back of his head telling him to look at Sonny and his date. As tempted as he was if he turned to look now he would only be breaking his own heart again.

 

—

 

_ Two years earlier... _

 

Their first kiss was nothing remarkable and yet it always stuck out in Rafael’s mind. He and Sonny had met for breakfast one January morning, it was picturesque with a powder like snow falling. They discussed work, cases old and new, and when the time came to settle the check they teasingly fought over who was to pay.

Not wanting their time together to end they decided to go for a walk through Central Park. Their shoulders bumped together and then one hand grasped another. At that moment they stopped and turned to look at one another, the air so cold they could see their foggy breaths mingling together.

And then one of them leaned forward, the other moved to meet them.

There were no fireworks, no clinging to one another as though it was the last time they would ever kiss. The kiss was soft, gentle, and perfect. Rafael could feel Sonny’s smile against his mouth. He stopped himself from rolling his eyes then snaked his arms around the taller man’s shoulders to deepen the kiss.

When they finally broke apart Rafael was able to witness the smile he had caused. Sonny was glowing, and the prosecutor knew he was too. As they walked towards work, their hands still tangled and laughter on the air, Rafael knew something wonderful was happening.

A week later they disclosed.

 

—

 

Never let it be said that Rita Calhoun wasn’t an excellent friend, she kept Rafael distracted with tales of her incompetent interns and her steady boyfriend who she refused to introduce Rafael to. They were laughing about an intern being to scared to enter an elevator that Rita was standing in when a familiar shadow fell across their table. 

Rafael pointedly ignored it until he heard the expected Staten Island accent. “Fraternizing with the enemy, Counselor?”

“Ms. Calhoun and I have been friends for a long time,” Rafael dryly replied.

Rita raised an eyebrow. “Longer than either of us care to admit.”

A smooth chuckle escaped from the detective's mouth. “I never saw you as someone to mix business with pleasure, Counselor.”

Rafael watched as a wicked smirk crossed Rita’s face, he shot it down with a withering look. She rolled her eyes and leaned back in her chair, clearly amused at where this conversation was heading. Rafael huffed before turning back to his former lover, “What can I help you with, Detective?”

Rafael felt a twinge of guilt when the smile fell from Sonny’s face. “I just wanted to see how your new job was going.”

It had been hard working for the Manhattan DA once Sonny returned to work, each day he saw the familiar blonde hair his heart would break a little. Things weren’t helped when Olivia and Rollins would go silent every time the ADA walked into the room and give him soft pitiful glances. So he threw himself back into his career and tried to forget.

After he had been passed over for the Manhattan EADA job his former boss in Brooklyn had offered him a similar position. With nothing tying him to Manhattan, Rafael had eagerly accepted the promotion. Keeping himself busy had distracted him from thinking about what ifs, that was until he saw Sonny, until he had heard his voice and the memories came flooding back.

 

—

 

_ Six months earlier... _

 

There were boxes all over Rafael’s apartment, for the last week Sonny had been slowly moving his stuff in boxes. The move was long overdue and Sonny still had to inform his landlord, but both men were excited to finally be living together. That particular afternoon Sonny arrived at the apartment fresh from lunch with his sister, a small box tucked under his arm. He looked overly excited, happy even. He dragged Rafael over to the couch and sat him down. 

“Bella’s pregnant,” Sonny began, his voice light and airy.

“Congratulations, Sonny,” Rafael smiled, he was genuinely happy for his partner.

The detective continued with a chuckle. “She’s having twins.”

Rafael cocked an eyebrow, unsure of what to say. Bella was stressed enough with just one, he wasn’t sure with how the family would cope with three children. Sonny cocked his head as though he was waiting for Rafael to say something.

“And?” The prosecutor asked weakly.

“She says three children are enough for her and Tommy to handle,” As Sonny continued his tone became uncertain. “Bells and I have been talking and she said if we wanted to have a baby she would be happy to act as a surrogate.” He stepped forward and grabbed Rafael’s hands. “Think about it, a half Barba-half Carisi baby-”

The prosecutor couldn’t help the scoff and muttered utterance that escaped. “God help us all.”

Rafael felt a dull throb in his heart as Sonny’s face fell. "Hear me out-"

"No." Rafael wasn’t willing to have this conversation.

Sonny grab Rafael’s hand and squeezed. "Can't we talk about this?"

“I don’t see why we need to have this conversation,” Rafael scowled as he steadily removed his hand from Sonny’s grip. "I have been quite vocal regarding my lack of interest in children."

"We haven't spoken about it properly," the detective tried to reason.

Rafael rolled his eyes. “It’s because there is nothing more to talk about.”

“At least tell me your reasoning as to why you don’t want to have kids,” the younger man sounded despondent.

“I’m ten years too old to be a father,” Rafael changed his tone and tried to soothe the younger man. “I’d be almost 70 when they graduated from high school.”

Sonny chuckled. “You’re not that old-”

"If we had grandchildren there is a good chance I would never get to watch them grow up," Rafael interrupted coolly before delivering his final blow. "I wouldn't want my child burying a parent in their late twenties!"

He stood up and stormed out of the room leaving a dejected Sonny in his wake. Several hours later there was a knock on their bedroom door, Sonny telling him that he was called into work, that they would finish the conversation later. Rafael muttered his agreement and waited for Sonny to leave before emerging from the bedroom.

Sonny wanted children, he wanted to be a father, Rafael was going to need him to choose. Rafael could feel his heart break over the expected outcome.

 

—

 

Rafael tore his gaze away from the detective.

“It’s relatively relaxing compared to Manhattan SVU.” Rafael lifted his scotch and took a sip, pointedly ignoring the detective.

After a moment Sonny spoke again, “Well, it was great seeing you again, Counselor.” 

Rafael felt the sharp point of Rita’s shoe in his shin. He forced himself to look up at the detective who once again had a warm smile on his face.

“Good night, Sonny,” Rafael smiled, his heart aching when the detective's eyes went wide. 

A pink flush crept up the back of the taller man's neck and his gaze went shy for a moment. He nodded once more before he stuttered out. “N-night Coun-Rafael.”

“Well, that was interesting,” Rita’s voice was gentle.

Rafael nodded before returning to his meal. The rest of the evening was spent making small talk with Rita, his friend not pushing him to talk about their interaction with the detective. Eventually the two friends parted ways and Rafael was forced to return to the apartment he had once shared, alone.

 

—

 

_ 6 months later... _

 

The apartment was quiet when Rafael got home, just as he had expected. He walked towards the kitchen depositing the leftovers of the cake his mother had forced on him in the fridge, the words  _ ha _ and  _ birth _ could be seen in purple lettering on white icing. He left the gift his mother had given him, a bottle of 18 year Glenfiddich, on the counter and made his way down the hallway to his bedroom. 

If he wasn’t called into work Rafael would have a rare weekend off work, one of the firsts since he moved to the Major Cases Squad. He had no plans other than emptying the expensive bottle his mother bought in consideration of yet another year alone. 

Rafael peeled his suit off carefully before hanging the discarded remnants on his to-be-cleaned rack before making his way to the drawers at the back of the closet. He crouched down and gently pulled the bottom drawer open. Hidden at the back of the drawer lay the threadbare sweater with Fordham Law in bold print, his only reminder that the year he had spent with Sonny was a reality. He raised it to his face and inhaled, convinced he could still smell the lingering scent of the younger man. 

He slipped it over himself and found a pair of sweats and stepped into them as well. He then padded back through his kitchen, grabbed himself a glass and cracked open the bottle of scotch. He raised the glass in a silent toast to himself before finally downing the amber liquid.  _ Happy Birthday to me _ .

His musings were interrupted by a loud banging on the door, Rafael wasn’t expecting any visitors so he ignored it. A few moments later the banging started again, this time followed by shouting and a familiar Staten Island accent. Rafael tentatively shuffled towards the door and peeked through the peephole and there he was. Sonny Carisi looked flushed, dressed in a simple black henley and jeans. Rafael watched as the detective raised his hand to pound on the door but decided to unlock it, leaving the man mid knock.

“Detective,” Rafael managed to sound more put together than he felt.

A crooked smile broke across the younger man’s face. “Rafael.”

The tone of the younger man’s voice made Rafael’s heart expand and contract all at once. Butterflies that were once dead seemed to spring to life. He took a step back and wordlessly invited Sonny into his apartment. Rafael barely opened his mouth to offer the detective a drink before the two words Rafael never dreamt of hearing again spilled from Sonny’s mouth, “Happy birthday.”

Rafael felt his heart stop.

Sonny stepped closer. “I remember everything.” 

A million thoughts rushed Rafael at once, he opened his mouth, hoping to verbalize even one of them coherently. All that came out was a simple “Oh.”

“Your favourite colour is red, you enjoy waking up to the smell of fresh coffee, you smile in your sleep,” Sonny continued, a smile graced his features as he moved his right hand to cup Rafael’s cheek. “Rita Calhoun is your closest friend, you hate the fact that she still corresponds with your mother even though you forbade it.”

He then grabbed Rafael’s chin between his fingers and gave it a gentle stroke with his thumb before leaning down and capturing Rafael’s mouth with his own. Rafael felt himself melt into the kiss, he instinctively slid a hand up to tangle in Sonny’s soft hair. All too soon they broke apart.

“Why did you do it, Rafael?” Sonny’s voice sounded small, distant. Rafael knew exactly what he was referring to.

Rafael looked away for a moment, he drew a deep breath before meeting the younger man’s gaze once more. “I thought it would be best if we had a clean break.”

“Why?”

“Because we were heading that way,” Rafael continued, refusing to let his tone waiver. “We wanted different things-”

“We were living together,” the anger that poured from the detective startled Rafael. “Starting our life together-”

“You wanted- you want children,” Rafael croaked out, his heart hammered against his ribcage.

“If we had ever finished that discussion I would have told you that’s not the dealbreaker you thought it was Rafael,” Sonny’s anger began to soften. “I practically help Amanda raise Jesse, Gina’s about to have her first, and with Bella’s twins I have my hands full.”

Rafael didn’t want Sonny to bend, he didn’t want the decision he had made to have been in vain. “You would be an excellent father, I don’t want to take that from you.”

“You’re not,” Sonny took another step forward. He was so close Rafael could smell his familiar aftershave. 

“You’ve always talked about being a father-”

Sonny interrupted him. “I am fully aware that cops don’t always make the best parents, I work long hours and I am never home. And after I get home all I want to do is crawl into bed with you.”

“Sonny I-” 

“Let me finish,” Sonny’s tone was firm. “There is a good chance that I may die in the line of duty-” Rafael opened his mouth to interrupt but was silenced by the pointed look on Sonny’s features. “I am aware of what the death of a parent does to a young child, and unless my partner wants to have children knowing that may be an inevitability I would rather not risk it.”

“But-”

“I would rather regret not having children of my own than regret not being the best parent I could possibly be.” Sonny finished, the truth of his words shining through his beautiful blue eyes. Before Rafael could respond, Sonny continued with an amused tone. “So as long as you don’t mind babysitting with me on the odd occasion...”

Rafael couldn’t help the look of horror that crossed his face, the younger man couldn’t help but laugh at him.

“Although it will most certainly cause me distress,” Rafael’s tone was soft, it matched the warm smile that graced his features. “I can do that.”

The smile that blossomed across the blonde’s face made Rafael’s heart stutter. Sonny pressed another gentle kiss upon Rafael’s mouth, and then one against the join of his shoulder and his neck. Rafael choked out a gasp as Sonny’s long fingers caressed his stomach before he slowly removed the sweatshirt revealing Rafael’s naked chest.

Sonny chuckled warmly.  “I’ve missed you.”

The detective then grabbed Rafael’s hands and encouraged him to place them low on his waist.

“Wait, what about your girlfriend?” Rafael asked with baited breath.

“We broke up months ago.” The corner of Sonny’s mouth twitched into a smirk. “It never felt right, and I didn’t realize why that was until I woke up this morning and you weren’t beside me.”

Before Sonny could capture his mouth in another kiss Rafael had to apologize. “I’m sorry.” He took a deep breath before he tried to convey just how much he owed Sonny. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you woke up, that I took that decision away from you.”

“Rafael-”

Rafael held his hand up to silence the detective. “I can be extremely selfish, I wanted to save myself from heartbreak but instead I hurt us both.” 

“I’m not saying that we don’t have issues to work through,” a soft smile appeared on Sonny’s face. “But I love you, and we will get there in the end.”

A sense of relief washed over the prosecutor. “I love you, too.”

Rafael crashed his mouth into Sonny’s and made short work of removing the taller man’s shirt. There were still conversations to be had, things they needed to discuss and work out. It would take time to get back to where they had been, but for now, Rafael would allow himself this moment. Happy, healthy and wrapped in the arms of the man he loved.


End file.
